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BOX (Cube 4): Ultimate Death Frisbee

Leaven Quentin in Cube in underwear   Autistic Kazaan figuring cube math    Holloway in Cube about to die   white discraft    cone grass

Here's an idea for a 9-minute skit fusing the film Cube with ultimate frisbee.  It's funniest if you're a Cube fan but if you read the basic plot in Wikipedia (I spent two weeks figuring out the math of Cube and added some stuff to the article), you should still find it pretty funny.  A little Cube2: Hypercube in this too.  I don't know if I'll find enough people interested to shoot it, but if you're interested let me know.  I'll buy a frisbee and some pizza or ice cream for the actors=).  This looks involved but a rough version could be shot in an hour.  If you're outside Boston and want to shoot your own version, just email me before you do, thanks.


BOX (Cube 4): Ultimate Death Frisbee
by Squish [url: turbofrisbee.com/boxscript]

OPENING SHOT:

A frisbee with the word "Cube 4: Box" in a sharpie on it's underside.

FADE IN:

A local Springfield field during Spring.   There are two squares marked by orange cones.  In one, the Quentin character (but a different name) is napping with hands behind head.  The Leaven character (could be played by a guy) is taking a chug of blue gatorade.   The Kazaan character is sitting in the other box turning a rubix cube.  He always speaks without looking up from it.  All are wearing vaguely similar colored shorts and shirts (dark shorts, light shirts, etc), except for mesh shirts over them.  Quentin in red, Leaven in yellow, and Kazaan in bright blue.  Leaven has a sweat band on and is sipping some blue gatorade.

LEAVEN <looks for her stuff, notices it isn't there, then looks around, surprised at where she is>
What.. what the hell, where am I?  Help!  Hey, you.  Handler!

QUENTIN <jerks awake>
Ugh, I just had the worst nightmare.  We were stacking, except we were all blueberry pancakes, so we were quite *literally*--hey, what the hell is this?

LEAVEN
I don't know, I just...  <takes off wrist band, looking around>

QUENTIN <dramatically>
We're *sidelined*... Alright, let's stay calm.  Do you know how you got here?

LEAVEN
I was just taking some shrooms with my friends while subbing out, and then...  I don't know.

QUENTIN
Well I don't remember anything after Todd's suitcase nuke went off.

LEAVEN <picks up a cone>

QUENTIN
What is it?

LEAVEN
This looks a marker--they're used in ultimate to create a four-sided polygon in the game of box.

QUENTIN
A square?  But how many are there?

LEAVEN
A "quentillion" for all I know.  Look, a door.  Should we start aimlessly navigating?

QUENTIN
Well, for all we know we'll just run in circles and end up right back in this box anyway.

LEAVEN
It's *worth* a shot.  Maybe we should throw some peanuts in or something to see if it's a *death* box.

QUENTIN
But dude, we don't *have* any peanuts

LEAVEN
Here, we'll use one of my cletes.  <tosses one clete into other box>.  Safe.

They walk to other box where Kazaan is turning cube, also dressed for ultimate.

QUENTIN
How many players are *in* this thing?

LEAVEN
Hello.

KAZAAN <slightly retarded/autistic voice, without looking up from rubix>
This grass is green.

LEAVEN
Yes, it is.

KAZAAN
This grass is green.

QUENTIN
What's with him?

KAZAAN
I like the *blue* field.  I want to go back to the blue field.

LEAVEN
I think he's an MIT student or something.  He'd be useful if this is a game of Go, or Life, or if there were some kind of way of navigating this place...

KAZAAN <still not looking up, points toward a big number "2" marker in room>

LEAVEN <walks over, examines it>

QUENTIN
What is it?  The binary code for Vista?

LEAVEN
No, just two digits of it; it seems to translate to "1 0".  Perhaps it's a DNA strand for an insect or something.  Or codes to pentagon files.  Maybe it's the data for constructing a transport like in "Contact" that will get us out of here...  No wait, it's a box number.  The boxes are numbered!

QUENTIN
Two boxes?  This place must be huge.

LEAVEN
Well, if it's a disceract, there could be infinite squares.

QUENTIN
A disceract?

LEAVEN
You know, a hyperbox... Look, one dimension is length, right?  Another is width.

QUENTIN
And then?

LEAVEN
Well, if you extend that one *more* dimension, you get... uh, I can't remember exactly...

KAZAAN <holds up rubix, points to it, the others oblivious>

QUENTIN
Why would they put us in here?  I'm just a pickup player.
 
LEAVEN
I've never dropped the disc enough times to deserve this...  What do you do anyway?

QUENTIN
I'm just... I'm just a Springfield pimp.

LEAVEN
I'm just a B student in high school.  Yet somehow I turn into Ramanujan under deathly situations with scant sleep.  I can hold game scores in my head for up to eight points when nobody else is counting if I get hit hard in the head with the disc first.

QUENTIN
Then you can get us out of here.

LEAVEN
If the script were contrived enough, maybe.  Anyway, we have to keep moving.  If the stall count reaches ten, we'll be killed.

QUENTIN
But what if the next box is trapped?

LEAVEN <staring at number '2'>
Give me a minute.

QUENTIN
What are you on to?

LEAVEN
Right, I can't believe I didn't see it before.

QUENTIN
What?

LEAVEN
It looks like, if the box coordinate is prime, then the box is safe.

QUENTIN <walks up to other box>

LEAVEN
Read it.

QUENTIN
It says 'one'

LEAVEN
So that box should be safe. <walks to room 1>.  Safe!  <starts dancing>  Prime numbers, prime num-- <frisbee gets whipped at her head hard from off screen>

Quentin & Kazaan enter.

KAZAAN
This grass is green.

QUENTIN
Your system failed.  I think it's time to reasess this place <sighs and walks to edge and looks outward>.  Though I don't think we'll *ever* get out of bounds...  I wonder if anyone's looking for us out there.  <Kazaan, turning cube, starts whistling "somewhere out there">

LEAVEN
Why would they throw innocent players in here?  <picking up disc> Why would they death trap the rooms with wham-o's?

QUENTIN
I think it's some sick guy's YouTube video.

LEAVEN <laughs>
A horror YouTube vid about a lame frisbee game?  Alright, you're a pimp!  Look, I guess the numbers are more complicated than I thought.  I just need some more time.

QUENTIN
Fine, we need some rest anyway.  We haven't rested in god knows how long.

Quentin & Leaven lie down, someone walks up and hands Quentin a pillow.  Kazaan picks up the blue gatorade that Leaven was initially drinking.

<music, small men's tenor/bass chorus, excited like an Irish drinking song>
<To tune of "C is for cookie">
B is for box, just wear your low cut socks.
B is for box; first toss away the rocks.
B is for box, gruelling even for tough jocks!
Oh, B's the very first letter in box.

Leaven wakes, there's now a number '3' on the bridge

LEAVEN
That wasn't there before.

Quentin wakes.

LEAVEN
This doesn't make any sense.

QUENTIN
What?

LEAVEN
Assuming there are two boxes, then there shouldn't be a coordinate larger than 2.

QUENTIN
So?

LEAVEN
So what... is one, plus two?

QUENTIN <thinks>

LEAVEN <thinks>

KAZAAN <holds up three fingers>

LEAVEN <pulls out a pen and pad>
To find the permutations, you take the triple factorial of the numbers... <keeps calculating>.  Ok, so the triple factorial of 1 is 1, and 2 is 2.  That places number 3... *in-between the boxes*.

QUENTIN
A bridge.  Alright, let's go.  Can you navigate the wham-o's?

LEAVEN
At first I thought the safe rooms were marked by prime numbers.  They're not.  They're marked if any of the number of prime factors of the box number is not a power of a prime.

QUENTIN
That almost sounds like it makes sense, that you didn't just make it up on the spot for the sake of parody, that you're stating the actual math that not many people understood but someone else figured out, of some movie, like, I don't know, uh...

KAZAAN <holds up cube again>

QUENTIN
...whatever.  So, you can calculate that, right?

LEAVEN
The numbers are huge.

QUENTIN
But you can.  You can.

Someone throws a disc high up from off screen.  Kazaan jumps out of the box and performs a greatest (catch and throw before hitting the ground), as if the box they're in is the out of bounds, then steps back in the box.  [Note this is pretty easy, it's a *forward* throw anywhere outside the box]

PLAYER (off screen)
Thanks man!  [or "Nice Try!" if failed]

LEAVEN
I'd have to calculate the number of prime factors in each number.  Maybe if I had an abacus, or a rubix cube.

QUENTIN <stern>
You don't need an rubix cube.  Figure it out!

LEAVEN
I can't!

QUENTIN
I'm not dying in the suburbs of Springfield!

LEAVEN <yelling>
Look, no one in all of Springfield could do it *mentally*.  I can't even start on TWO... it's astromical!

KAZAAN <always turning cube, never looking up>
One.

LEAVEN
What?

KAZAAN
Dis--craft.

QUENTIN
What did you say?

KAZAAN
Dis--craft.

QUENTIN
Before that.

KAZAAN
One?

LEAVEN
How many prime factors in 2, Kazaan?

KAZAAN
One.

QUENTIN
Are you kidding?  The MIT grad student is a genius?

KAZAAN
Dis--craft.

LEAVEN <picking up the wham-o>
We don't have any discrafts.

QUENTIN
Kazaan, when we get out I'll buy you a whole set of daredevils for each answer?

KAZAAN <shrugs>
<to self>: Better than nothing.
<to them>: I don't like the red ones.  I want a.. blue disc.

LEAVEN
By the number one, that box should be safe.

QUENTIN
Only one way to find out.  <pulls up Kazaan>

LEAVEN
Wait!

QUENTIN <pushes Kazaan in box 2>

KAZAAN
Foul.  Safe.  This grass is green.

Quentin & Leaven enter.

LEAVEN
Damnit.  They all look the same.

Someone throws a neon yellow discraft on the ground.

KAZAAN
Yellow.

He walks outside the box and throws it back, then walks back inside.  Then a blue disc lands on the ground.

KAZAAN
Blue.

He's in conflict as he picks it up and decides whether to keep it.

QUENTIN
We're running out of time.  The stall count must be eight by now.  Or *nine*, or--

Kazaan is crushed as he quickly throws back the blue disc a moment too late.

PLAYER 1 <very distant>
Turn!

PLAYER 2 <off screen, picking up disc, sarcastically>
Great, thanks, man, can't you count to 10?  It's not linear geometry.

Kazaan flips him off and hurls the rubix cube at him.  A moment later someone tosses it back fully solved.  Kazaan just starts scrambling it again <the actor having memorized a very simple pattern that will make it look scrambled but easy to solve again by the end>

LEAVEN
Maybe you should beat me to death.

QUENTIN
There's nothing to use.  Not even a door handle.

A red disc drops in front of Kazaan.  He's paralyzed with terror and indecision.

LEAVEN
Look, one of the boxes in this place must lead to an exit.  Why don't we... why don't we try *that* one.

QUENTIN
Do we have time?

LEAVEN
Maybe.

Kazaan throws the disc back like John Conner grabbing the piece of the T1000 off the trunk and tossing it on the street, and walks over to room 1 from outside and steps inside, while Quentin & Leaven walk over from box 2.

LEAVEN
This better be it.

QUENTIN <dramatically>
Leaven, you're wrist band!  Why is it here?  How can it-- how can it--

LEAVEN <starts laughing hysterically>

QUENTIN
Have you gone mad?

LEAVEN
This is the box we started in!  We never should have moved at all!

QUENTIN <collapses>
Then there *is* no way to get out of bounds.

KAZAAN <normal now, extra casual>
Yah there is.

LEAVEN
How do you know that?

QUENTIN
Who are you?

KAZAAN
I am the Architect.  I designed the boxes.  I was hired by an elementry school math and gym teacher to create a death maze for fifth graders.  But I became frustrated when no one survived.  I thought ultimate players would have a better chance.  I'm impressed you two made it, even if Quentin didn't do a damn thing.

QUENTIN
So what now?

KAZAAN
The purpose of box one is now to lead to box two, where I'll analyze the path you took through the maze and drug you again to bring you home, after which I'll be required to abduct two more Springfield victims and rebuild the squares.  My failure will result in the genecide of all US ultimate pickup groups.  Just think... no more upa.org/pickup.

QUENTIN
So it's almost over?  How do we get out after that?

Kazaan kicks a cone away.

KAZAAN <looking out>
Daylight.

He sits and turns.

Leaven breaks down and cries as she hugs the wham-o she's been holding.  Quentin collapses, as if exhausted from playing.

LEAVEN
Quentin?  You can't quit the team now!

QUENTIN
I have nothing to play for out there.

LEAVEN
We could play *box*?

QUENTIN <just looks at her>

A player runs up to them.  Camera pans toward him revealing a pickup group playing a game behind him.

PLAYER
Jesus, what are you three doing over here, this is like the longest water break ever...  What the hell are you doing with Josh's cones?  What are you, playing two games of box with three people?  Can't you count?  It's not linear geometry.

Player, Quentin, & Leaven pick up the cones.  Kazaan is the last one to walk toward the game as he finally solves the rubix cube and smiles--blue side toward him--then turns the red side toward him and shutters.  Finally he turns the white side toward him and takes a few more steps.  (Kazaan exits the real film into a white light).

KAZAAN
Ultimate stupidity.

He whistles Jesse Mccartney's "Leavin" as he tosses the cube aside and walks toward the game.  We see he's wearing the only blue mesh shirt.  <The skit can obviously be filmed seperately and then just the very last scene while a pickup game is going on, or can just be cut out>